The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
