and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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