So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
