I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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