The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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