That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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