just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
