ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
