I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
