I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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