Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just cropdusted the office
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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