he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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