i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
