my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
