getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
