i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
