apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize