I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
