you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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