My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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