the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
