You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
