My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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