Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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