my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize