Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
