I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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