Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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