It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
