Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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