im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize