I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
