i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
