Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Help. Why am I so naked?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
