I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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