Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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