do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
