my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
