Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Randomize