Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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