I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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