I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
