I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
