i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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