i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
