I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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