happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
