What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
