I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize