Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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