"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
