she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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