I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
