we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
