When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
