If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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