Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize