Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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