So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
