Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
