It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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