I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
